jokes
What instrument do violists envy most?
    The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.


What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.


What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?You can tune a '57 Chev

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"



Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies,
 "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, 
"And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).

Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.

Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.

Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.